*brain vomit incoming* It took me 10 years to find out that I honestly just hate digital art and the fact that I was forcing myself to learn things I never cared about for the sake of making visually pleasing artworks didn’t help at all. Because when you got a tool as broad and helpful as digital art it feels like a waste not to learn the ‘cool stuff’. Turns out it’s not made for me. Not even a tiny bit. And what ultimately hurt my ego bad enough to make me reconsider my whole social media presence was the fact that, by scrolling through my Instagram account, you don’t really see any kind of outstanding improvement in my art, which is what I tortured myself for. Leading to no results, of course. Because I got too caught up in what others were doing, because I confused the things I liked to see with the things I LOVED to make. It’s always sketches on sketches, nothing cool, nothing impressive. No amazing composition or color theory. I strayed away from what I really love, which is drawing manga for the sake of improving in ways that never belonged to me. Because a pencil and some black ink are everything that I’ve ever needed ever since I started drawing again 4 years ago. Digital art feels ‘’sterile’’ in a way I can’t quite put my finger on yet. Being able to physically hold a stack of drawings I did over the years, as boring as they may be, is the most beautiful feeling in the world to me. And I would’ve never admitted this before, I would’ve done ANYTHING in my power to make the most of this, to not end up as wasted potential. I was wrong all along and I only realised now. Coming to terms with the fact that maybe I’ll never be as cool as the artists I follow on Instagram, that maybe I just have to accept the fact that the skill level I considered as ‘’mediocre’’ for myself is simply what makes me happy more than anything and I can’t give it up. I spent God knows how many hours copying manga panels by hand in high school with a pencil and a black gel pen to ink with and I still keep all of those pages in a folder under my desk. When I didn’t feel this compelling need to post my art for it to matter in any way. And its about to change, I’m sure of this. Because one of my biggest dreams finally came true and I can finally say this to everyone: I’ll be starting my first proper manga course lead by a professional Japanese manga artist on the 8th of May. And also got an upcoming graphic novel masterclass that same week as well. I almost forgot that this was the whole point. That having the people I once admired being appreciative of my work is everything I could’ve ever dreamed of when I started this journey. That, after all, social media is never that serious and take you can make a name for yourself even without followings trends or posting reels, if you believe it’s possible. I can’t wait to start this new journey and be around people who share this passion with me, actually having a mentor to turn to for once. I didn’t even start yet and I can already say that this will definitely be the highlight of my 19th year of life. Wooo. *brain vomit concluded*
Anyways, hello. Second and last post of April. >.> I feel like I REALLY needed to talk about this topic and its good to finally let all of these considerations out here. I think that everybody, Jesus Christ and other non-Christian religious figures included, knows that since the start of this year I’ve been on and off with posting on social media and have been deleting all of my drawings minutes after uploading them. Couldn’t understand why until now. I’m not kidding when I say that I’ve had legit panic attacks because of this, and that’s where I understood that something was fundamentally wrong and it wasn’t just an ‘’off’’ vibe. It should’ve never been that serious, so why was this happening? Well I figured it out now. Clap clap clap. I saved myself from another rabbit hole of obsession over drawing where I’d go on a manic journey for months desperately trying to improve just to burn myself out and never pick up a pencil again. And I’m not saying this because it already happened once, of course. It happened twice. In Italy we say ‘’non c’è due senza tre’’ but since I can’t find a proper English equivalent of this saying I’m just going to close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m not going down that road again even if I had to delete all my socials to prevent it, I’m not scheduling my first botox appointment at 25 when I’ll have to face the consequences of my own actions. I’m already seeing enough. *covers eyes dramatically*
Despite everything I gotta say that these days have been going well. Weather is nice. Last Friday I dragged my best friend and his boyfriend to a club to see a rapper that they didn’t even know because I was desperate to go. Needless to say that my mission was 100% successful. Listen, I don’t usually listen to this kind of music but guys. The side quests, the lore, the tomfoolery… come on. I couldn’t miss it. Also is it normal to walk into a club at 19 and finding out that you’re the oldest out of everyone else there? And who the fuck let me wear PANTS? That was humbling, ok? I thought it would be cold and I DIED. I should’ve put more effort into my quirky emo tumblr ‘’not like other girls’’ wattpad y/n outfit. I missed the chance to ACTUALLY put my hair in a messy bus and wear converse shoes there, ughhh. >.> I was really out of pocket LOL didn’t even do it on purpose I just wore my normal everyday clothes. Bring back tumblr grunge fits and tattoo chokers thanks. And iPhone 6s. PLEASE. Don’t mind the mess in the bg e.e.
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| Fake Labubu in the club what will he do… |
At the end of the night he snatched my phone to take a video with it LMAO highlight of the weekend tbh. Everything was pretty funny, one of the most random side quests so far that’s for sure. Also can guys stop overspraying Intense Cafe by Montale? I smell it EVERYWHERE it’s a literal nightmare. Why does it always have to be in the most secluded spaces, too? If I focus hard enough before going to bed I can sniff it telepathically in the back of my mind. I’m dying. Sigh…
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