I won’t go into detail as it is not right for me to do that, but let’s say that someone I deeply care about had a motorcyle accident a month ago and this is why I completely DISAPPEARED. Seeing someone you love suffer like that, holding them and trying to keep them safe, conscious, not knowing if they’ll make it or is so exhausting just to talk about. Everything turned inside out in the span of 2 minutes. It literally took a second. It’s not my first time going through something like this and I feel like my nervous system has caught fire. I was closing down at work that night and I can still recall the names of the people that stopped by to give me a hand. With my job, to bring me water, to clean up. People stopped on their tracks to come and hug me while I was breaking down and I’ll never forget it. So many girls sat down with me to help me wash my face and refresh as I waited for the ambulance to come. I was never expecting such a huge reaction, I think that without this kind of support I wouldn’t have made it home that night. No one had to but they all did. Even if they had to go to work the next morning they all stayed with us, held our hands in the hospital, helped us laugh, took the weight off our shoulders even if they were suffering as well. Thankfully it wasn’t as serious as it looked, but it’s still a tough pill to swallow.
I was riding that bike just the day before it happened. We always did that together before work. Seeing it in pieces made me want to throw up. I still look for it without even noticing. It’s hard to come to terms with and I don’t know how to process this feeling. It’s so weird and so niche I think only a few people can really put themselves in a situation like this and come to a conclusion. Maybe I feel like I’m supposed to feel some kind of way and I can’t put my finger on what it is. Maybe I should just feel angry and never want to ride again, but I really don’t, and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s okay. Friends have been calling me night and day and I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for all this love. Everyone that took the time to text, call, come over, offer their help or simply speak words of comfort to me is someone I’ll never forget. Carrying someone through this pain and grief is where it takes massive strength as a human being and everyday I get proof of what kind of people I’ve managed to surround myself with and I’m so fucking proud.
I know this post was very self indulgent and heavy and out of pocket on my blog or anywhere at all, to be honest, but I had to get the words out. Not out on a journal that only I can read, I mean OUT. Its impossible to ignore the love and support I’ve been receiving and I’m gonna remember it and celebrate it every chance I get. I’ve disappeared except for my art account, and for that I’m sorry. I was planning to write something normal but change of plans, I guess.
‘’Why do you think people care stop acting like you have a large following blah blah blah’’ I don’t really care and I won’t apologize for wanting to give a proper explanation to all the people that took the time to actually read my bullshit for the past year so I’ll be as annoying as I want to be on my corner of the internet LOL. I’ve been working nonstop. And I mean it. I’ve been basically running the family’s restaurant on my own for the past month with zero days off and I feel like I just got ran over by two trucks. Not that I wasn’t doing it already, it’s just that 1. I had someone to help me 2. I had a day off. The only thing that kept me from dying was the help I received from my friends, seriously. Shout out to everyone that broke their back for me at work when they could’ve chosen to go out instead. I’ll never forget it. Despite all of this and the tremendous amount of psychological and physical stress I’ve been facing a lot of amazing things have happened while I wasn’t updating this blog and I’ll try to pick up where I left off as soon as I can, lots of great stuff to talk about and pictures to post but for now I just wanted to give a proper update on what the hell my life has been about lately and why I’ve been off every radar. Also public apology to all the friends I wasn’t able to see yet. Even texting has been extremely exhausting lately, coming home from work super late every night and having to wake up early to be able to have a couple of hours of free time has been taking me OUT. The only reason why I was able to write this post is because I’m running on Red Bulls and adrenaline. Not the good kind. Anyways.
Despite all this I still managed to secure myself a few wins like I already said, one of them being the conclusion of my first ever manga course and I’m SO happy about it. I can’t even begin to describe the immense joy I still feel thinking about the fact that I got the amazing opportunity to confront myself with actual professionals and how much I value their support and words of encouragement. It’s been a dream come true and I can’t thank them enough for the beautiful work we did so far, I look forward to so much more and I’m so PROUD of the fact that I finally got to insert myself into one of the settings I’ve been aiming for after all these years of pursuing this passion on my own. I’m only starting and I feel so good about it already I don’t even now what to say, and for the first time ever I don’t even feel the need to prove myself to other through social media or whatever. I know what I’m working on and I love it despite not having a public yet. This is what matters the most to me, and I’m grateful. My one shot, and it’s debut, didn’t go as I planned for 2025 because of the accident and the stress and everything else, but I’m sure there will be plenty other chances and I’m not worried about it right now. It’s good to finally not measure my self worth solely by basing it on how much time I spend studying and drawing mangas, which is probably normal for everyone else, but I think that those who are close to me know how badly it affected me until not too log ago. It’s great to finally break free from the obsessive attitude I had towards all of it and for this I obviously have to thank my teachers as well. I’m really, really proud of this journey so far and despite everything, I’m still drawing and improving. Even when no one can see it, and that’s okay. I’ll upload a picture of my beeaautifuuul certificate when I frame it nicely so that y'all can share this joy with me <3.
Talking about studying and such. I’m (technically) starting my last high school year soon and I can’t believe it’s almost over, LOL. I was homeschooled for the past three years but still. There were some school days I’ll look back on with a bit of nostalgia, I won’t lie.I was scared to close this chapter of my life last year and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t graduate this year ‘cuz I wouldn’t have been ready to face the rest of it. Really. With everything else that happened, too… so yeah. I’ll be studying extra hard from next month on and despite my ‘’fuck the English language’’message at the start of this post, I’m working really really hard to take myself to C2 level and improve my academic skills and writing. That I won’t use on here, of course. But I’m rigorously dedicating myself to languages and have been taking my Chinese learning a lot more seriously, too. I feel like I could confidently ace the HSK1 test this year, but we’ll see about it. I’ve got so much stuff on my plate right now, sigh. Driving license, annoying burocratic procedures I have to go through for school or they’ll eject me like an Among Us impostor and not let me graduate, and karting. Karting, yeah. Because the first things you wanna do after witnessing a terrible road accident like I did is to launch yourself into motorsports just for the hell of it. Karting is just the tip of the iceberg of how far I’m willing to take this and I can’t even begin to explain how HAPPY I am that I finally got an outlet for a passion I didn’t get to live in first person for so long. Sorry, I can’t just ‘’like something’’ from a distance, when I’m passionate about it, I’m PASSIONATE. I need to put my head in the game no matter what game it is, LOL. Life is so much easier when you just let your wild range of interests that have zero correlation to one another roam free and stop caring about it. I’ll upload pictures of the kart I bought as soon as I can. Literally went on Facebook Marketplace, found it, rented a van with my dad to go on a long ass road trip to pick it up in a small town, ended up at this random dude’s house, picked it up and came back. Best part of it was turning it on for the first time. I never had the chance to make my own fuel mixture before but I never learned something as fast as I did that day. Two stroke engine. 100cc. My ears went OFF. I LOOOOVE it. Just wait until I get an helmet camera and get to be annoying about it. I never thought I’d grow so fond it so fast but that’s like, a son to me. I don’t know.
So uh, yeah. This was pretty much it. Despite the hard times, I still had the chance to spend time with my loved ones and had fun. Lots of fun. And there’s still lots more stuff to talk about, but we’ll go in order eheh… it will be a surprise. Eyes on the next half of September *wiggles eyebrows*. I’ll gradually start posting and uploading (mostly old) pictures again as well as dedicating myself to my art account. Just need to complete a couple of tasks from my to do list when August officially ends and then I can be silly with you guys again. I can’t wait for fall. I’ve been working behind the scenes to bring a proper fall fragrances reviews (and recommendations, of course) to this blog and I can’t wait. I’m whipping out my ugly UGGs dupes and Hollister pants, everybody stay safe. To go in order, I’ll post all the content I gathered this summer and then dive straight into the white girl Tumblr account autumn content or whatever.
Sorry to everyone I still have to text back, all the friends I couldn’t spend time with and for literally vanishing into thin air for the past two months. I know you guys will understand, but patience is all I need right now. I’m really, really fond of this blog and I don’t plan on leaving it anytime soon. This hiatus hurt me more than it should’ve. I’m very dedicated and frankly, blogging has been a huge help for me since I actually started taking it seriously. It’s wild to see how it’s grown from simple j-fashion content to a place where I feel free to express myself like this without any fear. I’m grateful for everyone that’s been following me since the start and those who came along after that, too. Be it 5 people or 5.000, you matter so much to me. It’s weird, in a beautiful way, to see how much I’ve grown these past 2 years. And no matter what, even if my priorities have of course changed as well, see how I’m still the same in the end. I don’t think there has been any hobby or passion that I pursued, even if briefly, that hasn’t left a deep mark in the person that I am today, and this blog is a sort of digital proof of that, for me. Something I’ll gladly look back on in 5 or 10 years.
Thanks to everyone who got the time to read this absolute mess of a post and got their brain violated by a train of information that was certainly not necessary and hard to process all at once. I‘ll leave you guys with the only (unserious ) gif that I personally think is fitting for this situation and proceed to retire again. For now. You won’t get rid of me I fear.
Jokes aside, I hope your summer went well. Thank you for being here. If you did something fun, I can’t wait to hear all about it in the comments, or by DMs on my social media.
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